|
|
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
| |
5:36 pm
|
|
| Thursday, December 4th, 2003
| |
11:54 am
|
I had my most unusual BM ever at around age 10 or 11. It was nearly perfectly round, about as big as an apple, and shockingly enough snow white. We're talking starched-dress-shirt-fresh-from-the-Chinese-laundry white.
Now, maybe I'd just been eating an unusual number of powdered donuts at that juncture in my life, or maybe I'd unknowingly sat on a baseball sometime during that one summer of Nudist Camp Little League. Whatever, the "ghost poop" (as I've referred to it ever since) understandably freaked me out. Having always been one to proudly and carefully inspect my intestinal confections before sending them off to be adored by the larger audience of sewer-dwelling vermin, I was disturbed by the lack of any telltale bits of corn or dangling bean sprouts. I couldn't be 100% sure that it even was a turd. My mother, perhaps suspecting a prank, refused to be led to the bathroom to inspect the eerie mass. And so, with a reluctant flick of the wrist, I consigned the spectral globe to haunt another realm.
I don't think of this incident often, mind you, but the recent discovery of a particular book title brought it swirling back upward from the often-clogged pipes of my memory, and I was forced to consider a horrific possibility. What if I had rashly committed one of mankind's most unthinkable crimes?
|
|
|
| Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
| |
11:56 am
|
Dollar Tuesdays at the Universal Mall CinemaA true-life playlet by T. Pork, esq.
(curtain rises)
The Scene: A dingy mall in the heart of Warren Michigan, home to untold numbers of trailer parks, Eminem, crack-hos, and ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) frosted_flakes. Much FUBU is in evidence, and the odors of food court Thai and Burberry cologne make for a harsh blend. Your hero and role model (who doesn't stick out at all, due to the clever camoflauge of a carefully-inserted afro-pick) approaches the ticket booth of the second-run movie theatre.
Me: "Hi, one for The Rundown, please."
Girl at Ticket Counter: "Just as long as you don't RUN UP!! Hahahahaha!!"
(5-second pause, complete with awkward eye contact)
Me: "One for The Rundown, please."
(Girl sheepishly produces ticket)
Me: "Piece of advice: Next time, skip the bad jokes and just slip 'em a condom with the ticket."
Exit our hero, stage left
(curtain)
|
|
|
| Sunday, November 9th, 2003
| |
2:17 pm - Further evidence that I may, in fact, be a racist:
|
- Every time I walk past a group of black folks, I unfailingly seem to overhear the word "Courvoisier" in their conversations.
- The fact that "Lee's Fine Chinese Cuisine" and "Lee's Pet Store" operate side-by-side in the same building on Cass Avenue in Detroit genuinely creeps me out.
- Rajeesh and Suwinder were spotted standing around the men's clothing department at Meijer in their bland yellow pajamas, and it occurred to me that they'd do a lot better scoring blonde white women in the snazzy Bullwinkle PJ pants on a nearby rack.
- I've always wanted to see Mandingo, but for some odd reason, Blockbuster never has it in stock.
|
|
|
| Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
| |
6:36 pm
|
Driving along today, I happened to pass an A&W Restaurant with the curious advertisement "try our new POUTINE!" on its changeable-block-letter placard. For the one or two of y'all ig'nunt Americans in the crowd, poutine is an orgasm-inducing French-Canadian concoction... french fries topped with brown gravy and chunky globs of cheese curd.
Now, for all I know, every A&W in Canada sells poutine... hell, all of the McDonald's there do... but I wasn't driving through Windsor, I was in downtown Berkley, Michigan for cryin' out loud - a city where the average citizen's definition of a French morsel is the purple blotches he left on the neck of the middle school cheerleader who lives next door at the trailer park.
Despite my own love for the stuff, I just don't think there's a lotta demand for poutine in Berkley, and I somehow doubt that the new proprietor's name is Jean-Paul or Rene'. If I really had to speculate, I'll bet some minimum wage fast food grunt had a rare flash of brilliance, and came up with the best possible menu item for prankishly hiding bodily secretions with the least risk of immediate detection:
 Roy, A&W employee of the month,and a 3-pack-a-day man with a phlegmy cough
|
|
|
| Sunday, October 26th, 2003
| |
1:35 pm
|
Ima update tomorrow, promise. In the meantime, to keep y'all occupied...
Best LJ ever: bonqueesha* Pure genius, fo serious.
*Props to mah nicca frosted_flakes for the link. Yo fro is nappy, yo teef is all gold, and you knows whurr to punch yo hoes so the bruises don't show.
|
|
|
| Monday, October 20th, 2003
| |
1:10 pm
|
Dateline: April 2003
Livejournal is rocked by the Poopoochoochoo scandal. Beloved plagiarist and chubby-bear magnet taintedpork disappears from the internet in an oily cloud of shame, amid overwhelming protestations of innocence from a bunch of realllly naive people the LJ faithful. Ever enterprising, the wily Japanese rush to fill the void left in the internet icon's absence, to mixed reception:
  Grade A American Pork and soy-based tofu bacon substitute
So why come back? Why now? Much speculation has arisen regarding the motivations behind this unexpected return, including rumors swirling that perhaps a new face has assumed the mantle of the White Meat Warrior, although Daily Variety reports that habitual filler-of-other-people's-shoes Roger Moore has declined the role. However, the one and only T. Pork sums it up as simply as this:
|
|
|
| Friday, October 17th, 2003
| |
12:58 am
|
We interrupt your LJ friends list with this urgent bulletin...
 T. Pork, noted plagiarist andbon vivant, returns from Livejournal exile
PNN Team Coverage begins early next week. We now return you to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) poops, already in progress.
|
|
|
| Monday, April 14th, 2003
| |
2:00 am
|
 New species of reindeer discovered in Michigan
Too much sun or too many beers? I guess we'll find out in the morning. Either way, yours truly is whoa Irish.
|
|
|
| Sunday, March 23rd, 2003
| |
7:25 pm
|
|
| Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
| |
12:53 am
|
I was told I suck at fellatio.
Well, no duh.
|
|
|
| Friday, March 14th, 2003
| |
3:45 pm
|
|
I'm such a lightweight anymore. One night of beer drinking, and my butt turns into a human soft serve ice cream machine.
|
|
|
| Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
| |
3:33 pm
|
No lie, this startling new "24/7" innovation is just plain amazing.
I haven't showered or even applied an additional coating in over three days, and my pits still smell as fresh as a pine forest on a dewey spring morning. Whenever I lift my arms anymore, people have even been known to cock their heads and remark, "Is it raining out?"
current music: Guided by Voices - "Big Boring Wedding"
|
|
|
| |
12:19 pm
|
So I was at Wendy's, picking up a cup of soup and my usual Mountain Dew, and as the drive-thru guy gave me the change, he grabbed my hand by the wrist and held it!! Then he put the change in my palm with his other hand!!! Understandably, that alone was enough to leave me upset/stunned, but then as I drove off and passed the Burger King next door, I saw on the sign that BK was advertising 99-cent FISH CROISSANTS!!!!
I began shaking uncontrollably. That old black feeling started coming on, and the overwhelming scent of oranges flooded over me. Next thing I know, I'm coming to, and several men are pinning me down in the middle of the street. My clothes are bathed in blood, and my car is nowhere to be found. Seems I'd had another one of my "episodes."
My doctor says no more Mountain Dew and amyl nitrate, and it looks like we're back to fighting my aggression and impulsive hyperarousal with Alpha2 agonists, methylphenidate, and Adderall. He says we need to decrease my norepinephrine levels, lower my blood pressure, and that I could benefit from some calming techniques like brushing, joint compression, or a deep pressure massage. An occupational therapist trained in sensory integration could also be helpful in diverting further physical outbursts.
Sheeeit nicca, what would really help me is if there were no fish croissants or open-mouth kiss attempts from pimply-faced fast food employees.
current music: Evanescence - "Bring Me to Life"
|
|
|
| Monday, March 10th, 2003
| |
1:43 pm
|
|
| Sunday, March 9th, 2003
| |
3:09 am
|
|
| Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
| |
10:14 pm
|
|
| Friday, February 21st, 2003
| |
11:08 am
|
miark showed me this: BlackPeopleLoveUs.com
We're apparently the only two people who think it's funny, racist bastards that we so obviously are.
current music: Black Jesus - "What That Thang Smell Like"
|
|
|
| Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
| |
1:14 pm - My LJ away message
|
Sorry I haven't updated in a while, folks - didn't mean to cause concern for those of you who've inquired. I wish I could reveal my whereabouts, but it's all very hush-hush - matters of national security, sordid details from my seedy past... y'know, all the usual kinda stuff you'd expect from a rugged adventure-hero type like yours truly.
So, until my inevitable return to regular posting, please enjoy this live webcam shot of the Incredible Growing Brain I picked up at KB Toys:
|
|
|
| Friday, February 7th, 2003
| |
12:49 pm - Sooo funny
|
|
|
|
|
|
